The non-pirate

I wasn't a pirate in the church family service today.

The other kids from Midgets were.

But I decided fairly early on in the piece that I wouldn't be one of them.

We arrived early for the rehearsal.

Mum tried to get me to put on my patch and hold my pirate sword.

I rejected the patch but hung onto the sword.

Then she put me on the stage and put my hand in Claire's.

But she hadn't backed away a full metre before my bottom lip dropped.

By the time she was back in her seat, I was wailing.

I thrust out my sword in Mum's direction and called out for her to get me.

So that was the beginning and the end of my first theatrical experience.

But, you'll be pleased to know, I spent a happy hour of so playing pirates with my friends after the service finished.